The past week was a rough one for me physically and mentally, a lot of shit was going south at the same time. Anyway, the worst of it was a misunderstanding my king and I got into that left me entering Marvin’s room more times than I care to remember. However, when chatting to the king’s best friend he brought up the phrase “buildanigger.com”. Now the phrase is pretty self-explanatory but it speaks to something deeper that we as women we often neglect to consider when it comes to our partners.
I’m just a guy
My girlfriends calls it “build a bear”, which means a woman feeling the need or urge to have to fix their man. However, we neglect to consider that our man is human like we are. He also has moments when he has internal battles to fight on his own and figure out. He, like you, also feels and has emotions that he needs to deal with. When he goes through something like that it isn’t your place to come in and try fix him, instead it’s a time to be his sounding board and let him allow you into what he’s going through without trying to bring in your emotions. It’s not an easy thing to do as a woman as we often feel it’s the man’s place to always be strong and be there for our pain, since our pain is greater than any mans. Yet, pain is pain regardless of who you are.
The king’s best friend was saying that women have a tendency to forget that “men are still boys at heart and sometimes need our guidance”. Not guidance in the sense of mothering him by telling him what to do instead being available to hear and guide him based on his needs, without sugar-coating the truth. I’ve crossed that line in many of my past relationships where I felt the need to mother instead of being a girlfriend. I even went through a stage where I was mothering my brother until a mutual childhood friend of ours sat me down and told me to stop mothering him since he already had one. The line between mothering and being a friend or girlfriend can often get blurred especially since we women are nurturing by nature and that can lead to mothering without being aware of it. The danger of mothering is that you can end up taking on the emotional responsibility of that person whilst leaving yourself empty to your own emotions. You cannot serve from an empty cup because there’s nothing that you can honestly do for yourself or the person you are trying to help.
Besides just crossing the line into mothering, the king’s best friend was saying that moments when the relationship is tested then love needs to be the first order of choice in resolving things. It is in responding in love that egos no longer take the forefront and only what matters in truth is exchanged.
I’ve been to Marvin’s room before but this time the pain left me more confused and angry than usual. No matter how hard I tried to suppress my feelings of rejection and hurt, the tears that wet my pillow served as a reminder of what I truly felt. For the first time my king had disappointed me to a point that I couldn’t understand, nor did he at the time. He reacted the best way he knew how to in the moment except it left me feeling lonely, hurt, disappointed, confused and angry. However, our time apart gave us time to think and reflect on everything. So when we met and spoke again it felt like the first time he told me that he loves me.
The great gift of Marvin’s room is that you can’t escape the truth of your feelings instead you have to feel every emotion. Feeling the pain without using a substance like alcohol or drugs to numb the experience makes you appreciate pain. Why? Pain teaches us to navigate ourselves to feeling better again. Through the process of navigation you learn to rewire yourself to finding you. You find the backbone to say “fuck no” to the things that no longer serve you.
It doesn’t exist nor will it ever exist because as humans we are fundamentally flawed. Nothing about us is meant to be prefect, especially not all our internal bits. The things within us remain a mystery, yet, they add to the beauty of our stories since there will always be some internal battle we are fighting against. “Buildanigger.com” isn’t about trying to create or find the perfect guy, in fact it has nothing to do with a guy. It’s about learning to accept your flaws because the minute you accept and love that part of yourself it becomes easier to accept other people’s flaws.
Love and Happiness,